Since I’ve been feeling like shit for a long time, I’ve had a lot of opportunity to perfect one of lifes great joys. The Nap. Usually I don’t get to nap; insomnia affects naps too. Asshole insomnia. But when I’m down in the dumps, it’s like all day every day is a long continuous journey of naps. I know, lucky me, right? So I thought I’d share with you the makings of the Ultimate Nap.
For the purpose of this exercise you will need a few things.
- Access to a washer/dryer. (You’ll see, just wait)
- Awesome fabric softener.
- A day off. (Because few bosses allow napping on the job.)
- A bed. (Or a really nice blow-up mattress.)
Say you normally wake up at 7 am or so. On this day you will need to get up a lot earlier. Say 3 am or thereabouts. You want to make sure you’re fully prepared for the awesomeness that is about to happen. And by prepared I mean exhausted. At this time you need to do something that will keep you awake. Clean the bedroom, for example. Maybe masturbate. Or play WoW. Whatever, I don’t judge.
At around lunch, you should go to your bed, pull off all the sheets and put them in the washer with your awesome fabric softener. You should probably eat something too. Make it light, something you can sleep on.
Now, go do something really tiring. Jog around the block, do zumba or whatever floats your boat. Then, put the sheets in the dryer and go take a shower.
When you’re clean and in your favorite sleepwear, go put a glass of water and a pair of ear plugs by the bed. Pull the curtains. Do everything you have to get the bedroom sleepable. Because once the dryer is done, you have to move it.
You have roughly 4 minutes to get the sheets out of the dryer, on to the bed and yourself in to bed before the warm fuzzy feeling from the dryer is gone. And trust me, you want that feeling.
In fact, your nap depends on it.
Don’t set an alarm. Actually, turn off your phone. It’s your day off, after all.
Climb in bed. Enjoy the best nap ever. Mine have been known to last as long as 14 hours.